It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
