I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
