OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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