my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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