i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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