I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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