Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
