i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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