last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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