I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
