the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
