My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
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I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
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All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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