talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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