Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
