I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
my liver is dry heaving
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
