i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
