omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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