I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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