I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
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Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
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I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"