can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
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Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
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That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you