Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
