I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
