and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
