did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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