I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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