i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
