$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
