bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
