I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
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That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
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When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
stfu you slept on the patio!?!