plz talk dirty to me
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
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It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
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New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.