From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
