I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
