So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
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Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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