The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
