I just saw a hot homeless man
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
