Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
