theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
