Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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