Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
