i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
