I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
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