he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
