oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
