This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
