Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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