I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
