I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
