I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
