I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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