I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
