Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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