my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
