You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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