i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
