How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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