I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She told me I should be a condom model.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
