i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
