I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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