I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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